My whole life, love was an emotion I associated with radiating outwards. I love my family, my friends, my pets. I also love things, places and sensations. Love has become an emotion associated with unifying myself with the world. Loving myself seemed like a foreign concept as I had a hard time finding its meaning or its purpose. Many sources are very quick to give the advice of “you should love yourself more” but once asked to elaborate, few explain how to do it. However, upon years of navigating through various suggestions and techniques and finally understanding its meaning, I can strongly advocate for the tremendous difference self-love has on one’s physical and mental health. In fact, the risk of mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety, addictions and more is decreased with increased self-love1.
Before we dive into the tips on how to love yourself, it’s important to understand what it means. One can think of love as unequivocal acceptance. In other words, acceptance of every part that makes you, you. This was the main basis behind Carl Rogers’ patient-centered therapy, in which a therapist provides unconditional positive regard to the patient, encouraging healing and leading to a state of improved mental health. Importantly, you must accept what you deem are your flaws and it makes it easier to do if you rationalize it in the following way: the things we have a hard time accepting in ourselves are simply the characteristics that we judged to come in between our idealized self and our real self. In other words, if you had a scenario where you had to be a certain way – an attentive and responsible student – but you could not live up to that idealized image, you went on thinking that you are inattentive and irresponsible. As you may predict, self-fulfilling prophecy takes over and strengthens that belief. However, if you took every instance that you ‘failed’ and halted the thought process before it extended to an extrapolation of character, you would see that every flaw you have is extremely subjective and hinges on how much you accept yourself. People who love themselves deeply will look at the things they deem as flaws but not let them define themselves. Flaws are flaws until you see their beauty and seeing their beauty starts with understanding that their perceived negativity has no merit in the big picture of who you are. This is not to say that we must stop trying to improve ourselves. On the contrary, this simply means that you do not orbit your sense of self around those traits but see that every part of you is like a brush stroke that paints a beautiful Renoir painting. Or maybe a Van Gogh. Or better yet, a You. Do not put conditions on this acceptance i.e. “I will love myself more when I have a successful career”. You must accept yourself in the given moment, as anything beyond that is once again comparing yourself to an idealized self that does not exist. Thus, the first step to starting to love yourself is to accept your every bit of being in the present moment.
One of the best tips when it comes to self-love is gratitude. The best way to practice gratitude may sound cliché, but it is one of the most effective methods: making gratitude lists. One starts by writing the most basic things about oneself everyday (or at least a few times a week). Start with things like “I’m thankful I got out of bed this morning”, “I’m grateful for my sight” if you are sighted, “I’m grateful for my mobility” if you are mobile, “I’m grateful for my ability to smile”, “I’m grateful for my ability to sympathize” and so on. Being grateful brings value to one’s life and provides profound perspective that in turn, increases the resilience to face life’s challenges. It is not surprising that incorporating gratitude practices has been scientifically proven to improve mental health2. According to Dr. Emmons, gratitude significantly improves mental wellbeing and decreases the risk of depression. It also plays an important role in overcoming mental trauma, reducing aggression, improving sleep and boosting self-esteem2. If making a list is difficult at first, start with thinking about the things you are thankful for at least once a day.
Another great strategy to loving yourself is to set boundaries. We are social creatures and the people that we interact with on a regular basis have a significant impact on how we in turn view ourselves. If you are surrounded by toxic, negative people who also lack self-love, it will be borderline impossible for you to attain the opposite. Thus, it is important to set boundaries of whom you let into your life. Likewise, set boundaries of how you would like to be treated. Those who suffer from low self-esteem will most often unfortunately take a subservient, people-pleasing role. Instead of focusing on what you can do to please others, stop for a second and think about whether it is something that will also benefit you or if it is something you feel like doing in the first place. That is not to say that your actions should solely be based on “what do I have to gain logic?”. The goal behind boundary setting is to condition a conscious acknowledgement that your choices and preferences matter. This, in turn, establishes your self-worth as an individual with unique likes, dislikes, quirks and nuances. Thus, learning to say ‘no’ when you do not truly feel like saying ‘yes’ is a big first step to loving yourself. The key to boundary-setting is being in tune with your inner self and what you feel at any given moment. The best way to create that inner relationship with yourself is through honesty – do you honestly feel the way you do or is it because someone has intentionally or unintentionally imposed their feelings on you? Honesty comes from acceptance, and as discussed previously, acceptance is the foundation to self-love.
Loving yourself is not an overnight task. It is a lifelong commitment but the moment that you begin to try, the positive effects on your health and happiness are ample. There is a multitude of tips and strategies one can apply in order to start their journey of self-love. As mentioned above, acceptance, gratitude and boundary-setting are some of those strategies. However, there are many more. For example, self-criticism is known to be closely related to mental illnesses, specifically mood disorders3. Thus, it is important to make the effort to think about a positive outcome in any given situation just as quickly as you would think about a negative one. Furthermore, try to take some time out of every day to allocate to mindfulness. Whether it’s through meditation or an activity, taking some time for yourself will condition you to actively think about your wellness and needs. By loving yourself, not only are you improving the quality of your life, but you are also able to love others and encourage others to love themselves. As the old saying goes ‘you can’t love anyone else unless you love yourself first’, it is vital to practice self-love not only to live a healthier, more fulfilled and happier life, but also because without self-love, the love you radiate towards others will never be truly pure.
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